Advice To All Aspiring Writers

The best piece of advice that I can offer to an aspiring writer is to know when to put down your pen, step away from your laptop, and write with your heart. There are many nights when I wake up from a dream, dash over to my laptop, and start typing. Writing is my way of communicating with the neurotypical world. I wrote and published my novels not to make money, but to tell a story. I ask my readers to keep an open heart and mind when reading my novels, blogs, or websites. You will see the world through my eyes and get a better understanding of who I really am.

Myrtle Beach 900

Ladies and Gentlemen, we are currently accepting entries for the inaugural running of the Myrtle Beach 900 Road Rally, with a scheduled date to be announced later this year. This Road Rally will begin in Chicago's beautiful Grant Park and run in the traditional "Cannonball Run" style to our destination in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Upon arriving in Myrtle Beach, participants will be invited to sing along with me:

"Let's plunder and pillage the whole f***ing village,
And burn it to the ground (Hey!)
Burn it to the ground (Hey!)

Burn it to the ground (Hey!)"

Just a figure of speech, folks! The whole idea is to have a good time and get just a little bit crazy in the process. JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!

If everything goes according to the plan, upon arriving in Myrtle Beach, we would all retrace David Lawrence's steps on the "Topless Delivery Tour", exploring many of the places that are mentioned in the novel. Those of us who drive convertibles would be invited to cruise "topless" up and down Ocean Boulevard, listening to Wave 104.1 as we drive. I hereby invite the Myrtle Beach Sun-News and Wave 104.1 to sponsor, or otherwise participate in the tour.

New Versions of the Novels are Coming!

I am republishing both of my novels in a more U.S.-friendly 6" by 9" format, as opposed to the European A5 format that I have been using from the beginning. The result is a reduction in the size of the print version of each book by about 45 pages on average. I merely want to save a few trees without cutting out any of the story. The new versions will be available online in about two weeks' time.

Treatment of "Topless Delivery - The Movie"

I have recently completed the First Draft of the screenplay of "Topless Delivery - The Movie", an erotic comedy adaptation of my first novel, "Topless Delivery - The Myrtle Beach Experience".  The draft of the screenplay is 126 pages long, which would make for a total running time of about 2 hours. The treatment of the screenplay is presently 48 pages long, including descriptions of the major characters for casting purposes.  I am looking at a probable "NC-17" rating, but would rather keep the movie uncut and unrated if at all possible.

Please keep in mind that I went to business school rather than to film school and that this is my very first attempt to write a script or a treatment.  If you're interested in checking out my screenplay or the treatment, please send me an email message and I would be willing to send you a sneak preview.

Thank you for your support.

"Topless Delivery - The Movie"

At the suggestion of one of my delivery drivers, I have recently begun the process of writing an adaptation of "Topless Delivery - The Myrtle Beach Experience" for a screenplay for a possible movie.  On the novel's website, I've already placed three pages of character descriptions and an online soundtrack for this very purpose.  The hard part is converting a 424-page novel into a 120-page screenplay.  The solution is to remove most of the narration and leave the action and dialogue between the various characters in the various scenes.  Writing a proper treatment will be a real challenge for me, given the fact that I've never written a screenplay, much less a treatment, before.

I have a few questions to ask my readers.

1. How does one condense a 17-hour road trip into 5 minutes, 30 seconds of film?
2. How does one write a well-choreographed striptease scene?
3. How does one tastefully script sex scenes (I'm only using 4 or 5 of them)?

Any assistance I can get in writing a viable screenplay and treatment would be most greatly appreciated.  By the way, as of tonight's post, I have completed 105 of the 120 pages for the first draft of the screenplay.

The Official "Forever Autumn" Quiz

Now that you've read "Forever Autumn", it's time to test your knowledge with a little quiz.

There are 50 multiple-choice questions on this quiz.  Choose your answers carefully.

1. At which World Series game was the Canadian flag mounted upside down?

a. 1992 World Series, Game 1

b. 1992 World Series, Game 2

c. 1993 World Series, Game 1

d. 1993 World Series, Game 2

2. Where does David buy Ashley's engagement ring and their wedding rings?

a. Jared

b. Zales

c. Kay

d. J.B. Robinson

3. Which Christmas song do David and Chad record with Pure Ecstasy?

a. "White Christmas"

b. "What Child is This?"

c. "Christmas at Ground Zero"

d. "Happy Christmas (The War is Over)"

4. At which strip club did Ashley win her first "Amateur Contest"?

a. Crazy Horse

b. Club Paradise

c. Pink Pony

d. Thee Dollhouse

5. What was Ashley's major at the University of South Carolina?

a. Dance

b. Vocal Music

c. Marketing

d. Economics

6. Where did Ashley first meet Heather and Shelli?

a. Thee Dollhouse

b. Crazy Horse

c. Club Paradise

d. Pink Pony

7. Which member of Pure Ecstasy works as David's secretary?

a. Shelli

b. Heather

c. Kristy

d. Rachel

8. Which aquatic creature nearly kills David?

a. Sea Nettle

b. Box Jellyfish

c. Great White Shark

d. Portuguese Man-o-War

9. Where is David treated after being stung?

a. Waccamaw Community Hospital

b. Grand Strand Medical Center

c. South Strand Medical Center

d. Conway Hospital

10. Where does Brianna give birth to her daughter?

a. Waccamaw Community Hospital

b. Grand Strand Medical Center

c. South Strand Medical Center

d. Conway Hospital.

11. Why does Ashley apply for a delivery job at Papa's Pizza?

a. She needs to make extra money.

b. She looks sexy in her Papa's Pizza uniform.

c. She likes to cruise Ocean Boulevard topless.

d. She wants to accompany David on his final delivery run.

12. What are David and Ashley's wedding colors?

a. Black and Teal

b. Purple and White

c. Orange and Blue

d. Garnet and Black

13. What does David at the Cooper Plantation prior to proposing to Ashley?

a. He formally asks her parents for their permission to propose to her.

b. He pays his respects to her late brother.

c. He serenades her at the Baby Grand piano.

d. He plays a round of golf with her father and his friends.

14. Where does Ashley attend her MBA Commencement Ceremony?

a. BB&T Coastal Field

b. Brooks Stadium

c. Myrtle Beach Convention Center

d. Kimbel Arena

15. Which former Public Address Announcer said, "Give that fan a contract"?

a. John Ramsey

b. Rex Barney

c. Sherm Feller

d. Bob Sheppard

16. Where do David and Ashley celebrate New Year's Eve?

a. Chicago

b. Charleston

c. Key West

d. Hawaii

17. Where did David lose his virginity?

a. Oglesby Hall

b. Memorial Stadium

c. Assembly Hall

d. Litchfield Beach

18. Which guitar does David play when singing the national anthem at a Pelicans game?

a. Acoustic 6-string guitar

b. Acoustic 12-string guitar

c. Electric 6-string guitar

d. Electric bass guitar

19. What song does Michelle play when Ashley walks down the aisle?

a. "The Bridal Chorus" by Wagner

b. Pachelbel's "Canon in D"

c. "Hail to the Orange"

d. "Trumpet Voluntary" by Clarke

20. What song does David use as a "misdirection play" at the company Christmas Party?

a. "Hell's Bells" by AC/DC

b. "Slow Ride" by Foghat

c. "We Are The Champions" by Queen

d. "Christmas at Ground Zero" by Weird Al Yankovic

21. Where did Shelli sing and play her guitar in a country-western band?

a. Nashville Dreams

b. Beach Wagon

c. Studebaker's

d. Broadway at the Beach

22. Where does Ashley crown the new Wave 104 "Ultimate Beach Babe"?

a. Nashville Dreams

b. Beach Wagon

c. Studebaker's

d. Broadway at the Beach

23.  Why does Pure Ecstasy perform at Studebaker's with only four girls?

a. Heather is recovering from the birth of her son.

b. Rachel is recovering from an injury.

c. Shelli is sick in bed with the flu.

d. Kristy is caring for a sick child.

24. Which car does David purchase when he retires the "Yankee Clipper"?

a. 2007 BMW 3-series

b. 2007 Mitsubishi Eclipse GT Spyder

c. 2008 Mitsubishi Eclipse GT Spyder

d. 2008 Toyota Prius

25. What sound does David hear in his head every time Ashley has an orgasm?

a. Sonic boom

b. Bagpipe music

c. Cannon blast

d. Goal horn

26. On which beach do David and Ashley conceive their child?

a. Key West

b. Litchfield Beach

c. Folly Beach

d. Surfside Beach

27. Why does Tom Garrett resign from Burgess & Cooper?

a. He has a heart attack.

b. His wife has terminal breast cancer.

c. He is caught up in a sex scandal.

d. He has a nervous breakdown at the office.

28. Where do David and Ashley go on their honeymoon?

a. Cancun

b. Hilton Head Island

c. Key West

d. Key Largo

29. For whom does Ashley work as a Graduate Assistant at CCU?

a. Dr. Jim Eisenberg

b. Dr. Yao Ming

c. Dr. Susan Marshall

d. Dr. Linda Allen

30. Which instrument does Chad play in a 16-piece big band in New York?

a. Piano

b. Bass guitar

c. Guitar

d. Drums

31. In which department of Burgess & Cooper does David work?

a. Accounting & Finance

b. Human Resources

c. Marketing & Promotions

d. Strategic Planning & Development

32. In which department of Burgess & Cooper does Ashley work?

a. Accounting & Finance

b. Human Resources

c. Marketing & Promotions

d. Strategic Planning & Development

33. What is Heather's current full-time occupation?

a. Photographer

b. Model

c. Writer for a fashion magazine

d. Music critic

34. Where do David and Ashley hold their joint Bachelor/Bachelorette Party?

a. Myrtle Beach Convention Center

b. Cooper Plantation

c. Grande Dunes Resort

d. BB&T Coastal Field

35. Where is David and Ashley's wedding held?

a. The Cooper Plantation

b. The beach near Regency Towers

c. Grande Dunes Resort

d. Brookgreen Gardens

36. Which couple are writing a documentary on the Myrtle Beach Sex Industry?

a. Marty and Michelle

b. David and Ashley

c. Randy and Shelli

d. Mike and Rachel

37. Who are the Pelicans playing during David's debut as a Public Address Announcer?

a. Salem Avalanche

b. Wilmington Blue Rocks

c. Winston-Salem Warthogs

d. Frederick Keys

38. Where did Tony and Tina move after Hurricane Erika destroyed their house?

a. Manhattan

b. Brooklyn

c. Staten Island

d. Queens

39. Which song did Ashley sing at Donny's funeral in Arlington?

a. "Forever Autumn"

b. "Amazing Grace"

c. "Ave Maria"

d. " O Donny Boy"

40. What is David's Christmas present to Ashley?

a. A musical vibrator that plays "O Come All Ye Faithful"

b. A Blackberry Curve

c. A CCU class ring

d. A diamond necklace

41. Where do David and Ashley meet Bruce for lunch?

a. Olive Garden

b. Illini Union Food Court

c. Papa's Pizza

d. Kam's

42. Which beauty pageant did Abigail Burgess narrowly miss winning in 1974?

a. Miss South Carolina

b. Miss America

c. Miss USA

d. Miss Universe

43. What song heralds David's arrival at BB&T Coastal Field?

a. "I'm Just a Singer in a Rock and Roll Band"

b. "Margaritaville"

c. "The Voice"

d. "Back in Black"

44. What song plays when David and Ashley run through the light tunnel?

a. "Touch and Go"

b. "Sirius - The Instrumental"

c. "The Final Countdown"

d. "Hell's Bells"

45. Who catches the bouquet at the wedding reception?

a. Lauren

b. Tracy

c. Katie

d. Kristy

46. Who catches the garter at the wedding reception?

a. Bruce

b. Scott

c. Jason

d. Steve

47. What is the name of the narrow 2-lane bridge connecting the Florida Keys?

a. Bridge to Nowhere

b. Sunshine Skyway Bridge

c. Overseas Highway

d. Eternity Road

48. Who is watching Princess during the honeymoon?

a. Renee and Michel

b. Kristy and Greg

c. Shelli and Randy

d. Rachel and Mike

49. What was the song for Randy and Shelli's First Dance?

a. "Amazed"

b. "Leather and Lace"

c. "Through the Years"

d. "Islands in the Stream"

50. Match the Bridesmaids to their corresponding Groomsmen.

Cindy Lynn:    a. Bruce

Heather:          b. Tony

Kristy:             c. Randy

Rachel:            d. Chad

Shelli:              e. Bryan

Answer Key

1 b, 2 c, 3 d, 4 c, 5 c, 6 b, 7 a, 8 d, 9 c, 10 a,

11 d, 12 c, 13 a, 14 c, 15 b, 16 c, 17 a, 18 b, 19 c, 20 b,

21 b, 22 c, 23 a, 24 b, 25 d, 26 b, 27 b, 28 c, 29 d, 30 b,

31 d, 32 c, 33 c, 34 d, 35 a, 36 d, 37 d, 38 b, 39 a, 40 c,

41 b, 42 b, 43 c, 44 c, 45 b, 46 a, 47 c, 48 b, 49 a, 50 eadbc

The Official "Topless Delivery" Quiz

Now that you've read "Topless Delivery", it's time to test your knowledge with a little quiz.  There are 50 multiple-choice questions on this quiz.  Choose your answers carefully.

1. Where does David complete his MBA Degree?

a. University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign

b. University of Illinois at Chicago

c. University of Chicago

d. Coastal Carolina University

2. To which strip club did David take his first Myrtle Beach delivery?

a. Penthouse Club

b. Masters Club

c. Crazy Horse

d. Derriere's

3.  The "Yankee Clipper" is the nickname for which car?

a. Grey 2003 Mitsubishi Eclipse GTS Spyder

b. Black 2005 Chrysler 300C

c. White 2006 Pontiac Solstice GXP

d. Black 2005 Mercedes-Benz 500S

4. Match the girls of Pure Ecstasy to their instruments.

Ashley:            a. Bass guitar, cello, vocals

Heather:          b. Keyboards, vocals

Shelli:              c. Drums, percussion, vocals

Rachel:            d. Guitars, harmonicas, vocals

Kristy:             e. Guitars, fiddle, steel guitar, vocals

5. Which beauty pageant does Ashley win in the story?

a. Miss South Carolina

b. Miss America

c. Miss Sun Fun

d. Miss Bikini Wahine

6. Near which city is the Cooper Plantation?

a. Charleston

b. Myrtle Beach

c. Hilton Head Island

d. Savannah

7. Which former flame of David's has since married Ashley's former college boyfriend?

a. Linda

b. Teresa

c. Toni

d. Julie

8. Where does Ashley show David the real meaning of "Sex on the Beach"?

a. Litchfield Beach

b. Myrtle Beach

c. Surfside Beach

d. Garden City Beach

9. Where does David first meet Ashley?

a. Club Paradise

b. Papa's Pizza

c. Palace Resort

d. Regency Towers

10. To which song do David and Ashley dance together for the first time?

a. "Dance Across the Sky"

b. "Nights in White Satin"

c. "O Canada"

d. "Strange Magic"

11. At which business school does David's father currently teach?

a. Rotman

b. Liautaud

c. Booth

d. Kellogg

12. At which business school does Dr. Eisenberg serve as the dean?

a. Rotman

b. Liautaud

c. Booth

d. Wall

13. Match the business school to its host university.

Rotman:          a: University of Chicago

Booth:             b: Coastal Carolina University

Liautaud:         c: University of Toronto

Wall:               d: University of Illinois at Chicago

14. Dr. Eisenberg is the Public Address Announcer for which Chicago sports team?

a. Blackhawks

b. Bulls

c. Cubs

d. White Sox

15. What hurricane sent David and Ashley on a three-week road trip to Chicago?

a. Claudette

b. Diana

c. Erika

d. Frances

16. Which breed is the bitch that David pets at the trailer park on Highway 15?

a. Golden Retriever

b. Yellow Labrador Retriever

c. Chesapeake Retriever

d. Black Labrador Retriever

17.  Which breed is Ashley's cat, Princess?

a. Seal-Point Siamese

b. Long-haired Tabby

c. Seal-Point Himalayan

d. Persian

18.  Where was Chad's first wife, Vanessa, killed while working on 9/11?

 a. World Trade Center

b. The Pentagon

c.  Shanksville, Pennsylvania

d. Detroit

19.  Who introduced Chad to Heather after having a brief fling with him?

a. Kristy

b. Shelli

c. Ashley

d. Michelle

20.  Which song does David play to conclude Chad and Heather's wedding?

a. "Tiger Rag"

b. "Buckeye Battle Cry"

c. "Hail to the Victors"

d. "On! Wisconsin"

21. Which song does David perform at Chad and Heather's wedding reception?

a.  "One Step Into the Light"

b. "Dance Across the Sky"

c. "Watching and Waiting"

d. "Avalon"

22.  Where does Ashley have her Chicago photo shoot?

a. South Shore Country Club Park

b. North Avenue Beach

c. Atlantis

d. Wrigley Field

23. What is David and Ashley's common secondary language?

a. Spanish

b. French

c. German

d. Russian

24.  What "dark confession" does David make to Ashley at his parents' house?

a. He has Asperger Syndrome.

b. He is gay.

c. He is a werewolf.

d. He likes to take trips on LSD.

25. At which strip club does Ashley conclude her career as a dancer?

a. Club Paradise

b. Crazy Horse

c. Pink Pony

d. Atlantis

26. With whom does Chad have his "final fling"?

a. Ashley

b. Shelli

c. Kristy

d. Rachel

27. Where is the Skybox located?

a. Palace Resort

b. Regency Towers

c. Landmark Resort

d. Bluewater Resort

28.  What is David's primary musical instrument?

a. Guitar

b. Bass guitar

c. Keyboards

d. Drums

29.  When does Heather teach David the guitar riffs for her song?

a. During a rehearsal with Pure Ecstasy

b. During her "final fling" with David.

c. During a jam session at the beach.

d. While visiting the Cooper Plantation.

30.  For whom does David drive the "Topless Delivery Vehicle"?

a. Big D Pizza

b. Papa's Pizza

c. Pizza Palace

d. Ultimate Pizza.

31. Where did Ashley complete her undergraduate degree?

a. University of South Carolina

b. University of Southern California

c. Clemson University

d. Coastal Carolina University

32. Where did Ashley's late brother and her father attend college?

a. United States Military Academy (West Point)

b. United States Naval Academy (Annapolis)

c. The Citadel

d. Virginia Military Institute

33. What is "Time Out"?

a. A sports bar

b. A strip club

c. A gay bar

d. An oceanfront tavern

34. Michelle joins "Pure Ecstasy" on saxophone for a cover of which Moody Blues song?

a. "Nights in White Satin"

b. "Watching and Waiting"

c. "Ride My See-Saw"

d. "I'm Just a Singer in a Rock and Roll Band"

35. Why does David leave Tony's Bachelor Party just in the nick of time?

a. He has to work early the next morning.

b. He sees several police cruisers streaming into the Pink Pony parking lot behind him.

c. He runs into someone he has been trying to avoid.

d. He has a hot date with Ashley tonight.

36. For which TV station does Mandy work as a reporter?

a. Channel 6

b. Channel 13

c. Channel 15

d. Channel 43

37. Where does Tony deliver a large order and perform an impromptu striptease act?

a. Ladies' Night Out

b. His own fiancée's Bachelorette Party

c. Time Out

d. Pink Pony

38. Which Papa's Pizza driver sang "Happy Birthday" on a delivery to a birthday party?

a. David

b. Brianna

c. Tony

d. Diana

39.  Where does David finally get hired after Hurricane Erika destroys Papa's Pizza?

a. Halliburton and Warhol

b. Papa's Pizza Corporate Headquarters

c. Burgess and Cooper

d. Coastal Carolina University

40. What is the relationship between David and Megan?

a. They were former lovers.

b. They were business school classmates at UIC.

c. They were business colleagues.

d. They played in the same band.

41. Which class was David's "Achilles Heel" at UIC?

a. Accounting

b. Economics

c. Finance

d. Business Ethics

42. Which major university did Michelle attend?

a. Illinois

b. Michigan

c. Ohio State

d. South Carolina

43. To which private country club do Ashley's parents belong?

a. Wachesaw Plantation Country Club

b. Grande Dunes Country Club

c. Dunes Country Club

d. Prestwick Country Club

44. Where is the Chicago Office of Halliburton & Warhol located?

a. AON Center

b. Sears Tower

c. John Hancock Center

d. Chase Building

45. What is the "2-Meter Rule"?

a. An exotic dancer must maintain a distance of 2 m from her customers while on stage.

b. Dancers must wear at least a g-string and pasties when performing.

c. All strip clubs must close by midnight every night.

d. All of the above

46. Which state recently passed a $5 "Pole Tax" to fund Rape Crisis Services?

a. South Carolina

b. Indiana

c. Texas

d. Illinois

47. Which state prohibits smoking in bars and nightclubs?

a. Illinois

b. Indiana

c. South Carolina

d. Texas

48. Match the girls of "Pure Ecstasy" to their stage names:

Ashley:            a. Crystal

Heather:          b. Diamond

Kristy:             c. Jade

Rachel:            d. Ruby

Shelli:              e. Sapphire

49. Which city is the "Drawbridge Capitol of the World"?

a. Miami

b. Chicago

c. London

d. New York

50. David's former college roommate is the lead singer on which band?

a. Hot Honchos in Love

b. The Leathermen

c. The Flaming Queers

d. Young Studs in Heat

Answer Key

1 b, 2 d, 3 a, 4 cdeab, 5 c, 6 a, 7 c, 8 a, 9 d, 10 b,

11 c, 12 b, 13 cabd, 14 c, 15 c, 16 d, 17 c, 18 a, 19 c, 20 c,

21 b, 22 b, 23 b, 24 a, 25 d, 26 c, 27 a, 28 c, 29 b, 30 b,

31 a, 32 c, 33 c, 34 d, 35 b, 36 c, 37 b, 38 d, 39 c, 40 b,

41 c, 42 c, 43 a, 44 b, 45 d, 46 c, 47a, 48 baedc, 49 b, 50 c