Sporting Humor

Like most Americans, I am an avid sports fan with a rather wacky sense of humor. In this blog post, I would like to present the funny side of sports commentary. Page 343 of "Topless Delivery" has David making this cute little reenactment of a rain delay announcement during Chad and Heather's wedding rehearsal.

I promptly sit down at my electronic keyboard, switch to the pipe organ setting, and in the spirit of the late John Ramsey, the original “Voice of Dodger Stadium”, do a quick sound check by joking, “Ladies and Gentlemen, while tonight’s wedding rehearsal is being temporarily held up due to rainy weather here at the Grande Dunes Resort, our well-known organist, who is located to the left of the altar, is going to entertain you by diddling on his organ,” and then by playing “Hail to the Victors”.  Can you imagine how the original rain-delay announcement, made in the late 1960s, went over with the fans at Dodger Stadium?  That had to be one of the greatest sports bloopers of all time!

Another good example occurs at the wedding reception. In this scene on page 374, David sits down at his electronic keyboard and introduces Chad and Heather's First Dance while the girls of Pure Ecstasy (minus Heather) take their places on the stage.

Knowing that Chad is an avid Detroit Red Wings fan, I grab my microphone and say, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please refrain from throwing dead octopi onto the dance floor,” in reference to the tradition of throwing dead octopi onto the ice at Red Wings hockey games.

Many of the wedding guests on the Carrington side of the aisle, especially the Red Wings fans, laugh at the remark. Those on the Roberts side would never understand the joke.

Strange things can also happen on the dance floor, unfamiliar territory for David, when glow-in-the-dark beach balls appear, as we discover on page 380. 

The next song is another favorite, “Strange Magic” by ELO, so we go another round. Here comes a flying beach ball heading right towards us.

Ashley steps back from me and yells, “Set me up!”


I tip the beach ball straight up in the air as she jumps as high as she could in stilettos, does a 360, and spikes the ball as hard as she could. Knowing that there is no way she can possibly make a clean landing in stilettos, I get down to one knee to catch her as she lands right into my waiting arms. The guests who witnessed the spike let out a loud cheer as we finish the dance and share a laugh about the whole thing.


She kisses me and softly says, “Nice catch, honey! I wonder where the ball landed.”


It turns out that Greg, Kristy’s big boyfriend, stuck out his big paw and made a one-handed catch on the opposite end of the dance floor. After that dance, we walk slowly to my table where we meet Matt and Molly.


As I seat Ashley, Molly says, “I cannot believe what I have just seen out there, Ashley! It’s hard enough to for anyone to do a 360 degree spike in gym shoes, but to do it in 4-inch stilettos is incredible! I’ve played volleyball all my life and I’ve never seen anyone do that before.”

In "Forever Autumn", the wackiness continues as David makes his debut as the Public Address Announcer for the Myrtle Beach Pelicans.  In this scene on page 270, he has a little fun. 

I turn my headset mike back on and say the two most important words at the end of the national anthem that every singer forgets…”Play Ball!”

As the leadoff batter emerges from the On Deck Circle in front of the Keys’ 3rd base dugout, I introduce the baseline coaches for the Keys and then the leadoff batter. Once the game is underway, I become more comfortable behind the mike. I’m even beginning to have a little fun with a few of the fans sitting right in front of the booth between innings.


During the bottom of the 5th inning, a fan in the stands on the 3rd base side makes a very nice catch of a foul ball, so in the spirit of the late Rex Barney, I turn on my mike and say, “Give that fan a contract!” I like to learn good catch phrases from other announcers, past and present. Dr. Eisenberg taught me a few of his favorites which I use from time to time.


Rex Barney pitched for the Brooklyn Dodgers during the late 1940s. The highlight of his baseball career came when he threw a no-hitter against the New York Giants on 9 September 1948, after sitting through rain delays in the 7th, 8th, and 9th innings of that game. He served as the Public Address Announcer for the Baltimore Orioles from 1974 until his death in 1997. He often used that phrase when a fan caught a foul ball on the fly.


I find myself using that phrase several times during the course of the ball game. It seems that Pelicans fans are very good at keeping their eyes on the ball.

When the Cubs beat the Braves during David and Ashley's wedding reception, David knows exactly what to do to make the guests on his side of the aisle feel at home.

Just after the “Animal House” set, Ziggy comes on to announce the score of tonight’s Cubs-Braves game in Atlanta.  The Cubs win…again!  I dash over to the electronic keyboard as Dr. Eisenberg leads the guests in the singing of “Take Me Out to the Ball Game.”  My fellow Cubs fans are having a good old time as “we root, root, root for the Cubbies…”  The guests on the Cooper side seem far more subdued as many of them are Braves fans.  Poor Ashley!  Her loyalties are divided here.  For a nice encore, Dr. Eisenberg and I lead the guests in the singing of our “Sweet Home Chicago” in the spirit of Jake and Elwood Blues.

I loosely based the character of Dr. Eisenberg on a well-known gentleman by the name of Wayne Messmer, also known as the "Voice of Victory".  David had worked as one of Dr. Eisenberg's Graduate Assistants at UIC and had developed his announcing style in the process.

The point of it all is...love is a contact sport.

The War on Sin

I often hear of many pastors referring to a "War on Sin" or a "War on Immorality" in their Sunday sermons.  There are many conservative Christians who may find the material I have written in my two novels to be patently offensive.  Today's blog entry is my response to their concerns.  In this "War on Sin", I see myself as a Forward Scout operating under deep cover behind enemy lines observing the weapons and ways of the enemy.  These novels are my report to my superior officers back at the base, describing what I have seen, heard, and experienced behind enemy lines.

Let me say for the record that there is one book many people read on a regular basis that contains some language even more graphic than the language I use in my novels.  That book is the Bible, and I present a few examples from the Old Testament to illustrate my point.

Exhibit A in my argument is Ezekiel 23, which describes two adulterous sisters, Oholah and Oholibah, who engaged in prostitution while in Egypt.  The entire chapter describes their increasing depravity and lust for the Assyrians.  The most graphic verse here is Ezekiel 23:20 (NIV) which reads, "There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emissions were like those of horses."  Even the most explicit scenes in my novels never used that kind of language.

Exhibit B is the Song of Songs, also known as the Song of Solomon.  This book celebrates romantic love between a newlywed couple.

My point is simply this.  Read each of my books with an open heart and mind before passing judgement upon them...or passing judgement upon me.  Visit each novel's website and read each page in order to put things into context.  If you don't find the answers to your questions in the FAQ pages, please be sure to submit your questions in the space provided.

Crazy Little Thing Called Sex

As one can infer from the title, "Topless Delivery" has plenty of sexually explicit scenes throughout the book. Let me share some of my insights here. David Lawrence, my narrator in both novels, was the kind of guy who couldn't get laid to save his own life...until he arrived in Myrtle Beach.  The ladies around him regarded him highly as a nice guy and a good friend, but never as a potential romantic interest.  A random delivery to Ashley's condo begins a chain of events that would change his life forever.  Ashley, as an exotic dancer and model, has exactly the opposite problem when it comes to men.  She is disgusted with men coming onto her everywhere she goes, to the point where she rarely went on dates...until David delivered her pizza that night.

The significance of the sex scenes throughout both novels is that Ashley is reintroducing David to his manhood after many years of suppression, both from without and from within, due to his limited social skills associated with Asperger Syndrome and his strict Catholic upbringing.  In return, David is restoring Ashley's faith in men and her ability to love again.  In the process, she is slowly, but steadily, converting him into the man she really wants. 

It is important to note that while there are explicit, but tastefully described, sex scenes throughout both novels, they happen to be an important part, but only a part, of the story as a whole.  The emotional bond between David and Ashley becomes evident in these scenes as they fall asleep in each other's arms after their mind-blowing sexual adventures...as it is supposed to be.  That is what I have always wanted in my own life. Writing these sexually explicit scenes tastefully and without using any profane language proved to be my greatest challenge.  His desires and fantasies are mine as well.  Any woman who really wants to get to know me would be wise to read both novels, paying particular attention to David's character.

To paraphrase Rosie O'Donnell's closing line in a 1994 film called "Exit to Eden", "Regardless of one's sexual orientation, true love is still the ultimate fantasy."  I sometimes use this line when autographing promotional copies of "Forever Autumn."

Social Responsibility in the Business World

I have always believed that every business has an obligation to conduct its affairs in a socially responsible way.  Social responsibility, as defined by Wikipedia, is an ethical or ideological theory that business should not function amorally but instead should contribute to the welfare of their communities and an entity, whether it is a government, corporation, organization, or individual, has a big responsibility to society at large.

To quote Matthew 16:26 (NIV):  "What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?  Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?"  From a personal perspective; money, love, and popularity mean nothing to me unless I can maintain my own integrity. 

I touch upon the concept of corporate social responsibilty on pages 295-299 of "Topless Delivery".  In this scene, which takes place at Atlantis, a high-class gentlemen's club located about 45 km south of Chicago, David is having a chat with Rocky, the club's General Manager.

While Diamond is performing her set on stage, Rocky and I are sitting at the table.  The topic of discussion is the strip club scene in general.  After looking around the club for several minutes, a concern come to my mind.

I say, "Looking around your club, I wonder how many guys spend their entire paychecks, and more, at strip clubs, porn shops, and other adult entertainment venues.  Going to these places can be just as addictive as can going to a casino.  Have you ever noticed any of your regulars who may possibly have an addiction?"

Rocky takes a deep breath and replies, "Come to think of it, David, I have noticed that a few of my regulars come in here every night and spend hundreds of dollars per visit.  While it's great for the club and for the girls, I sometimes wonder if at least some of them are sex addicts."

I confidently respond, "I think of a possible solution to the addiction problem, based on a program for those with gambling addictions.  The Illinois Gaming Board, the state regulatory agency that oversees gambling venues such as riverboat casinos, race tracks, and off-track betting parlors, has a "Self-Exclusion Program."  Under the program, someone who knows or suspects that he or she has a gambling problem can voluntarily sign up to be permanently barred from all gambling venues in Illinois.  Gaming companies such as Horseshoe and Harrah's also ban these people from their casinos in other states.  I would propose that a similar program be developed for the adult entertainment industry.  Here's how it would work.  Every licensed adult entertainment venue in the state, be it a strip club, an adult bookstore, or video store that sells adult movies, would be required to subscribe to a statewide database and to purchase a special card reader.  When a club doorman checks an ID, he would run it through the card reader which would check the person against the database of those who have been barred.  If a match turns up in the system, then the doorman would be required by law to deny this person admission to the establishment and to notify the police for arrest on criminal trespassing charges.

There would be two ways that someone could involuntarily be banned in this manner.  First, if an establishment bars someone, either an entertainer or a customer, for gross misconduct, then the owner or manager can report the incident to the state agency and have that person barred from all other establishments.  Second, those who have ever been convicted, or are currently facing charges, of any sexual offense would also be barred from these adult entertainment venues.  Adjudication procedures would be put in place to appeal involuntary bans.  Those who are in the database would also be prohibited from seeking employment in any adult entertainment venue in the State of Illinois.  This would also include any convenience store that sells adult magazines or DVDs.  Major national strip club chains, such as Deja Vu and the Penthouse Clubs, would also enforce the ban at clubs outside of Illinois."

Rocky replies, "It sounds great in theory, David, but how would such a program be funded?"

My resonse is, "Well, Rocky, one good source of funding for the system would be an increase in the state licensing fees on adult entertainment venues and on stores that sell adult books and movies.  Another possibility would be to impose a tax on admissions to such venues.  For example, you would cover this tax by increasing your cover charges."

Rocky says, "My next issue is how such a ban would be enforced across state lines.  Let's say that someone banned from all clubs in Illinois would cross the line and get into a club in Hammond such as Industrial Strip and Deja Vu."

I reply, "Well, Rocky, that's a tough one.  My hope is that someday this program can be expanded nationwide.  Wouldn't the safety and security of your entertainers be worth the effort?"

Rocky says, "Strip clubs or other venues without a cover charge might lose many of their regular customers, or even go out of business, if they're forced to start imposing a cover charge to pay the admissions tax.  That's what happened when Texas imposed a similar 'pole tax' last year, with the proceeds dedicated to rape crisis services.  Would such a program work in South Carolina?"

I reply, "I don't know for sure, Rocky.  The new strip club laws would force most clubs to shut down.  As far as the venues, that would drive people to watch their porn on the Internet, which is much more difficult to regulate."

This discussion takes place shortly after the State of South Carolina enacted the 2-Meter Rule and a mandatory midnight closing time at all adult entertainment venues.  Whatever strip clubs Hurricane Erika didn't shut down, the new laws will...at a cost of millions of dollars in lost liquor and entertainment tax revenues and thousands of lost jobs throughout South Carolina.

Delivery Drivers and Exotic Dancers: Are We Really That Different?

During my research process for my novels, I visited a few strip clubs and talked with the dancers, waitresses, bouncers, and even a few patrons about what motivates them to be there.  Much to my great surprise, I learned that there are many more similarities between the dancers and delivery drivers than I expected.  The following passage, on pages 60-62 of "Topless Delivery", discusses the similarities and differences.

There are many similarities between pizza delivery drivers and exotic dancers.  Each profession has its own risks and its own rewards.  People in both groups work at night and depend, partially or entirely, upon cash tips from their customers for their livelihood.  We also have to lie to others about what we do for a living.  Drivers often lie to their insurance companies because they would have to buy special commercial liability insurance for at least triple what they would pay for regular insurance...if they can get coverage at all.  Both drivers and dancers keep quiet about our tips.  A few years ago, a group of us at Papa's Pizza experimented with full disclosure of tips.  We stopped the experiment within a few weeks because we found ourselves owing the store hundreds of dollars every payday because our hourly base wages were not enough to cover the taxes on our reported tips.  Worse yet, the reported tips bumped us up into a higher tax bracket.  That's when we were making minimum wage or slightly more!

A new trend in the industry is for restaurants to pay delivery drivers as they would pay waitpersons for dine-in restaurants; below minimum wage and claim tip credit for the difference.

At the larger pizza chains, drivers are paid a base hourly wage, usually minimum wage, which we earn by working in the kitchen or on the phones between deliveries.  However, many of the drivers who work at many independently-owned pizzerias are independent contractors, as are exotic dancers at most strip clubs.  They are entirely responsible for reporting all of their income and paying taxes on that income, including the employer's portion of the Social Security and Medicare taxes.  Dancers are typically required to pay a fee to perform at the club, as well as at least half of what they collect for VIP couch dances.  Additionally, they are usually required to "tip out" the bar staff, the DJ, and everyone else.  Similarly, drivers pay for their own gas, insurance, and maintenance on their delivery vehicles from the tips they earn.  At a few places, they are also required to "tip out" the kitchen staff.  In other words, they must share their tips with the managers and kitchen staff.  Fortunately, this practice is the exception rather than the rule.

While most dancers work within the confines of the strip club under the watchful eyes of bouncers with martial-arts and/or military backgrounds, drivers spend most of their time driving to and from customers' homes and businesses in all kinds of weather and traffic conditions.  People in both groups are frequent targets of robberies and assaults because we always carry cash on us.  As a safety rule, we rarely leave the store with more than enough cash to make change for a $20 bill.  According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, delivery drivers are the third most likely profession to be murdered on the job...behind police officers and taxi drivers.  We drivers often compete against one another for certain customers.  Most exotic dancers are very possessive with regards to their regular customers in the club.

After talking to these beautiful ladies at the various clubs I have visited, I walked away with a newfound respect for what they do for a living...and why they do it.  We really aren't so different after all.

An Open Letter To Pizza Delivery Customers

Many of you have seen me cruising around Myrtle Beach in my little black convertible, usually late at night, making deliveries for Pizza Shak.  While many people may think that pizza delivery is an easy or low-stress way to make a living, nothing can be further from the truth.  The actual delivery transaction at the door is the easy part of the job.  Looking at a 2-dimensional map of Myrtle Beach can be very deceptive.  We often have to fight our way through very heavy traffic, especially during the Summer Tourist Season, to get to your house, apartment, or hotel room.  We usually take several deliveries on a single run, especially to the hotels on Ocean Boulevard.  Once we arrive at a hotel, we have to search for a safe, if not necessarily legal, place to park where our cars won't be towed away or broken into while we make the delivery to the room.  By the way, there are several properties where we are not allowed in the building.

It often goes without saying that we depend on the generous tips of our customers to survive.  At many pizza places, drivers are paid in the same manner as are waitpersons at dine-in restaurants, at less than the Federal Minimum Wage of $7.25/hour.  This is an unfair practice because delivery drivers usually use their own personal vehicles.  Therefore, we incur many expenses and risks to our personal safety that waitpersons do not.  Our tips pay for gasoline, maintainance, registration, and insurance for our vehicles...as well as for our basic living expenses, such as rent, groceries, utilities, and other bills.  Some of us have loans to pay on our vehicles as well.  Based on standard maintainence intervals, we would have our oil changed every 4 to 6 weeks and our brake pads replaced every 4 to 6 months, for example.  Based on my own experience, a full-time driver will drive an average of 4,000 km (2,500 miles) per month on the job.

We incur risks to our personal safety every time we take a delivery run.  We deliver to all types of areas in all types of weather and traffic conditions...often very late at night.  Did you know that, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, pizza delivery drivers are the third most likely profession to be murdered on the job, behind police officers and taxi drivers, because we are expected to carry large amounts of cash on us?  If we follow established security policies correctly, we will not leave the store with more than enough cash to make change for a $20 bill.  If you have only a $50 or $100 bill to pay us, then please let us know in advance so that we may have the proper change.  The driver's safety must always take precedence over a customer's convenience.  We can always remake a pizza but we cannot remake a driver.

Thank you for your patience and understanding.

A Soundtrack for a Book: What A Novel Idea

Music is an integral part of the story in both of my novels, "Topless Delivery - The Myrtle Beach Experience" and "Forever Autumn - The Myrtle Beach Experience Continues".  The novels' two main characters, David and Ashley, are both musicians.  Ashley is a classically trained soprano who had also been playing the piano and drums ever since she was a little girl.  This Southern belle knows how to rock and roll with the best of them.  She plays in a band with four of her fellow entertainers called "Pure Ecstasy," with Heather, her roommate of seven years, as her lead guitarist.  They are the rockers of the band.  Shelli, their second guitarist and fiddler, is the country cutie.  Rachel, their bass guitarist and cellist, is a smooth jazz enthusiast.  Kristy is a classically trained pianist who handles all the orchestral arrangements with her keyboards.  All five lovely ladies are very good singers as evidenced by their occasional acapella performances.  David plays guitars and keyboards while trying to regain his voice.  He even performs on guitars and keyboards with Pure Ecstasy on occasion, most notably during the First Dance at Chad and Heather's wedding reception late in "Topless Delivery" with a song that he had written for his eventual First Dance with Ashley at their wedding in "Forever Autumn".

Each novel has an online soundtrack on its website featuring approximately 20 songs that are mentioned throughout the book.  In order to avoid any problems involving copyright infringement, I placed a link to a YouTube video of each song listed on that page.  Both websites are currently under construction and I hope to have them up and running this fall.

In fact, the very title of "Forever Autumn" came from a favorite song by Justin Hayward, the guitarist and primary lead singer of the Moody Blues, that put him on the map as a solo artist.  It is one of the very few hit songs that he performed that he did not write himself.

The Horrible Asp, Part 2

As I had mentioned in my last post, I have been diagnosed with a neurological condition known as Asperger Syndrome...which is a milder variant of Autism.  I wrote this condition into the character of David Lawrence, my narrator, in order to raise awareness about Autism Spectrum Disorders and to offer my readers an insight on the challenges we Aspergians (people with Asperger Syndrome) face in our daily lives.  I wrote an entire chapter about the condition in "Topless Delivery", starting on page 242, titled "The Horrible Asp," where David discloses his condition to Ashley while they are staying at his parents' house after evacuating during Hurricane Erika.  Unlike my real-life experience, David was diagnosed at the age of 16 and had undergone intensive therapy throughout high school and college in order to function in society.  The following in an excerpt from that chapter.  In this scene, David and Ashley are sitting on the couch in his outer office at his parents' house near Chicago during one of their quieter moments together.

Ashley leans her golden locks on my shoulder, kisses me, and asks me, "David, what is Asperger Syndrome...and how do you deal with it?"

I reply, "Well, Asperger Syndrome...which  I like to call 'The Horrible Asp'...is a neurological disorder characterized by a lack of social understanding, a limited ability to hold a reciprocal conversation, and an intense interest in a particular subject.  Mine was architectural drawings.  I wanted to major in Architecture at the University of Illinois, but the prerequisite drafting classes weren't available at my high school.  I majored in Computer Science instead.  I've always found it easier to interface with computers than to interface with other people.  Intensive counseling throughout high school and college enabled me to learn social skills and coping strategies so that I could function in society.  The symptoms of Asperger Syndrome are most conspicuous when we're under stress.  Neurotypical people...those people who haven't been bitten by the Horrible Asp...learn social interaction skills by instinct.  We lack those instincts and have to learn them the same way one would learn a foreign language.  To put it in terms of a computer, we learn through software emulation what you already have hard-wired into your mind.  Asperger Syndrome is literally a difference in how our brains are wired so we think and perceive the world very differently.  From a neurological perspective, it is little different than being left-handed...or being gay.

Unlike most autistic people who are socially withdrawn, many Aspergians try very hard to be social when we become aware of the need for social interaction in our lives...and will approach other people, albeit awkwardly.  We may engage in long-winded or one-sided conversations with others about our favorite subjects.  We are often unaware of the nonverbal cues of disinterest or discomfort that others may give.  This apparent disregard for the feelings and sensitivites of others may be mistakenly interpreted as insensitivity, inconsideration, or rudeness on our part.  Such misunderstandings often lead to rejection, physical violence, and/or police involvement.  We certainly mean no offense to others.

While we may be able to use our cognitive abilities to articulate social norms in a tightly controlled environment, we have a great deal of difficulty acting upon this knowledge in real life.  Attempts at social interaction are often very draining because we have to consciously think about what to say and do around other people.  I rarely have any difficulty talking to one or two close friends who accept me for who I am, but when I am at a large group gathering, such as a party or at a church, I get overwhelmed quite easily.  If you notice that I am not looking directly at you when you talk to me, please be assured that I am paying attention to you.  I can usually focus on only one sensory input channel at a time.  There is certainly no rudeness or disrespect intended on my part.

If the entire world is a stage and we are merely actors, then would someone please pass me a script?  I have no idea what is happening or how I should act here.  For an Aspergian, learning the rules of social interaction is very similar to learning a foreign language.  We can learn the vocabulary, structure, and syntax of a new language much more easily than we can learn all the subtle nuances, or the pragmatics, of that language.

Aspergians are well known for their strict adherence to rules...even when those rules make no practical sense.  Worse yet, we often find that some of our rules are contradictory.  In other words, we can't follow one rule without violating another."

Fortunately, Ashley is very supportive of David's disclosure and sets out to learn all she can about the condition and how she can make life a whole lot easier for both of them.  Making the disclosure is very similar to a gay man coming out of the closet.  It takes a lot of courage, especially not knowing what may happen as a result.  In my real-life experience, I had lost a few jobs and relationships as a result of AS.  Now that I have been properly diagnosed, I have learned a great deal about who I am and why I think and act as I do.  The previous post on this blog was a copy of my "Coming Out Letter", which I had written and posted onto my personal website immediately prior to my formal diagnosis.  As the condition is neurological in nature, we cannot medicate it out of us.  However, we can use Cognitive Behavior Therapy to develop social skills and coping strategies to manage this condition.  Asperger Syndrome is a difference...not a disease.

The Horrible Asp, Part 1

After many years of trying in vain to explain, and to apologize, to everyone around me for what they perceive to be insensitive, inconsiderate, and/or downright offensive behavior in many of my attempts at social interaction, I went home to my only constant companion, my laptop computer, in search of an explanation. After taking a couple of online self-diagnostic tests, I went to the University of Illinois Psychological Services Center for a formal evaluation to confirm that I am afflicted with "The Horrible Asp," also known as Asperger Syndrome, which is a high-functioning form of autism.

Growing up in a special education environment at a time when my inclusion in a regular school setting was considered potentially dangerous to myself, other students, and teachers, one can only imagine the rejection, loneliness, and isolation that become a daily reality for me. Such social isolation only made a bad situation worse, as I rarely had an opportuity to develop the social skills needed to grow and evolve as a complete person. Most attempts to socialize with my peers were met with rejection and derision, so I preferred to keep completely to myself. Whenever my parents or sisters had company at the house, I would usually disappear into my room and lock the door. To socialize with others would be seen as torture. As you can imagine, I had very few friends despite my best efforts and intentions. My first inclusion in a regular school environment was as a freshman in high school and it was not at all a pretty sight. In spite of my academic success throughout high school, my extreme shyness and inability to relate to my classmates, especially to the ladies, in any meaningful way made life in high school almost unbearable for me.

Even in adulthood, I still have a great deal of difficulty making friends and establishing social, especially dating, relationships of any kind. I am very uncomfortable in most social situations, including the workplace. Although I earned a Master of Business Administration degree in 2007, I have had difficulty establishing the social conections needed to land any kind of relevant employment. As a result, I am very unhappy in my current pizza delivery job because I know deep down that I am worth much more than the way I am living. Those of us who have been "bitten by the Horrible Asp," as I sometimes refer to those with Asperger Syndrome, have many behavioral, sensory, and self-esteem challenges that we must face on a daily basis. Potential employers would be wise to understand these challenges and to use my creative talents and energies rather than put me in a box of rules and standards that make no sense to me. While I will not blindly follow the rules for the sake of conformity, I am willing to accept and abide by those rules that are fair and equitable to all concerned. I have absolutely no tolerance for any form of hypocrisy. If an action is not right for one person to take then it is not right for anyone.

There are many people who mistakenly believe that I have no empathy or consideration for others. Contrary to popular belief, I care very deeply about the thoughts and feelings of others...often to a fault. However, my greatest challenge is in appropriately expressing that empathy such that others can easily understand. I would strongly prefer to show my real feelings in a way that is uniquely my own.

It is important to note that I included the diagnosis of "The Horrible Asp" into my narrator's character to raise awareness for Asperger Syndrome and other Autism Spectrum Disorders and to share with my readers the many challenges we face on a daily basis.

The Origin of the Title

The title of my first novel, "Topless Delivery - The Myrtle Beach Expereience", is actually a double entendre that begs the question: Is the delivery driver topless...or is it just his car? The correct answer is the latter. Shortly after earning my MBA degree at Governors State University near Chicago and relocating to Myrtle Beach in 2007, I bought a dark grey 2003 Mitsubishi Eclipse GTS Spyder (pictured below) with the intent of retiring from the delivery profesion. This convertible is the original "Topless Delivery Vehicle" known in both novels as the "Yankee Clipper" or, more simply, as the "Clipper."

The Original "Topless Delivery Vehicle"

Unfortunately, this vehicle met its demise on the University of Illinois campus a year ago when I was driving straight through an intersection and a Chrysler PT Cruiser, coming from the opposite direction, tried to make a left turn in front of me. I literally had no time to react. The only reason I survived, much less walked away from, the crash was the fact that I always buckle up. Seatbelts and airbags saved my life. My replacement vehicle is, you guessed it, a black 2004 Mitsubishi Eclipse GTS Spyder (pictured below) which I still drive today.

The Current "Topless Delivery Vehicle"

Welcome to "Topless Delivery - The Myrtle Beach Experience"

Driving around Myrtle Beach in a convertible during the Summer Tourist Season may seem like a dream job, but there is a lot to the picture than meets the eye. Fighting traffic jams, waiting for elevators in crowded hotels, and dealing with impatient customers are all part of the delivery driver's life. During my 20+ years of delivering pizzas in such diverse places as Champaign, Illinois (home of the University of Illinois) and Myrtle Beach, South Carolina (a special place where "Sex on the Beach" does not necessarily refer to a mixed drink), I've pretty much seen it all. Cruising around with the top down made the job a lot more fun.


After seeing what I've seen and experiencing what I've experienced over the years, the time had come for me to write about some of my experiences. Sitting at a table at a Deja Vu Showgirls club in Hammond, Indiana, where I celebrated my birthday in July of 2008, I whipped out a pen and a sheet of paper and began to write what became the outline for my first novel, "Topless Delivery - The Myrtle Beach Experience". Here I began to reflect on my delivery and management experiences...the good, the bad, and the ugly...and searched my mind for those experiences that would be worthy of sharing with the world. A friend of mine asked me to write down everything that I really want for my life. After about four months of reflecting and writing my story, I used the novel to write down all of my desires in life, from the kind of job I really want to the kind of woman I want to marry...in great detail. My narrator is the kind of man I want to become.


A funny thing happened on the way to the Forum. After I had completed "Topless Delivery", I realized that there was indeed more to the picture than meets the eye. A few months after I completed that novel, I wanted to write another novel...picking up where the first novel left off. I recently completed a sequel to "Topless Delivery", called "Forever Autumn - The Myrtle Beach Experience Continues," to answer the question, "What happens to a delivery driver once he hangs up his delivery bag for the last time?"