Sporting Humor

Like most Americans, I am an avid sports fan with a rather wacky sense of humor. In this blog post, I would like to present the funny side of sports commentary. Page 343 of "Topless Delivery" has David making this cute little reenactment of a rain delay announcement during Chad and Heather's wedding rehearsal.

I promptly sit down at my electronic keyboard, switch to the pipe organ setting, and in the spirit of the late John Ramsey, the original “Voice of Dodger Stadium”, do a quick sound check by joking, “Ladies and Gentlemen, while tonight’s wedding rehearsal is being temporarily held up due to rainy weather here at the Grande Dunes Resort, our well-known organist, who is located to the left of the altar, is going to entertain you by diddling on his organ,” and then by playing “Hail to the Victors”.  Can you imagine how the original rain-delay announcement, made in the late 1960s, went over with the fans at Dodger Stadium?  That had to be one of the greatest sports bloopers of all time!

Another good example occurs at the wedding reception. In this scene on page 374, David sits down at his electronic keyboard and introduces Chad and Heather's First Dance while the girls of Pure Ecstasy (minus Heather) take their places on the stage.

Knowing that Chad is an avid Detroit Red Wings fan, I grab my microphone and say, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please refrain from throwing dead octopi onto the dance floor,” in reference to the tradition of throwing dead octopi onto the ice at Red Wings hockey games.

Many of the wedding guests on the Carrington side of the aisle, especially the Red Wings fans, laugh at the remark. Those on the Roberts side would never understand the joke.

Strange things can also happen on the dance floor, unfamiliar territory for David, when glow-in-the-dark beach balls appear, as we discover on page 380. 

The next song is another favorite, “Strange Magic” by ELO, so we go another round. Here comes a flying beach ball heading right towards us.

Ashley steps back from me and yells, “Set me up!”


I tip the beach ball straight up in the air as she jumps as high as she could in stilettos, does a 360, and spikes the ball as hard as she could. Knowing that there is no way she can possibly make a clean landing in stilettos, I get down to one knee to catch her as she lands right into my waiting arms. The guests who witnessed the spike let out a loud cheer as we finish the dance and share a laugh about the whole thing.


She kisses me and softly says, “Nice catch, honey! I wonder where the ball landed.”


It turns out that Greg, Kristy’s big boyfriend, stuck out his big paw and made a one-handed catch on the opposite end of the dance floor. After that dance, we walk slowly to my table where we meet Matt and Molly.


As I seat Ashley, Molly says, “I cannot believe what I have just seen out there, Ashley! It’s hard enough to for anyone to do a 360 degree spike in gym shoes, but to do it in 4-inch stilettos is incredible! I’ve played volleyball all my life and I’ve never seen anyone do that before.”

In "Forever Autumn", the wackiness continues as David makes his debut as the Public Address Announcer for the Myrtle Beach Pelicans.  In this scene on page 270, he has a little fun. 

I turn my headset mike back on and say the two most important words at the end of the national anthem that every singer forgets…”Play Ball!”

As the leadoff batter emerges from the On Deck Circle in front of the Keys’ 3rd base dugout, I introduce the baseline coaches for the Keys and then the leadoff batter. Once the game is underway, I become more comfortable behind the mike. I’m even beginning to have a little fun with a few of the fans sitting right in front of the booth between innings.


During the bottom of the 5th inning, a fan in the stands on the 3rd base side makes a very nice catch of a foul ball, so in the spirit of the late Rex Barney, I turn on my mike and say, “Give that fan a contract!” I like to learn good catch phrases from other announcers, past and present. Dr. Eisenberg taught me a few of his favorites which I use from time to time.


Rex Barney pitched for the Brooklyn Dodgers during the late 1940s. The highlight of his baseball career came when he threw a no-hitter against the New York Giants on 9 September 1948, after sitting through rain delays in the 7th, 8th, and 9th innings of that game. He served as the Public Address Announcer for the Baltimore Orioles from 1974 until his death in 1997. He often used that phrase when a fan caught a foul ball on the fly.


I find myself using that phrase several times during the course of the ball game. It seems that Pelicans fans are very good at keeping their eyes on the ball.

When the Cubs beat the Braves during David and Ashley's wedding reception, David knows exactly what to do to make the guests on his side of the aisle feel at home.

Just after the “Animal House” set, Ziggy comes on to announce the score of tonight’s Cubs-Braves game in Atlanta.  The Cubs win…again!  I dash over to the electronic keyboard as Dr. Eisenberg leads the guests in the singing of “Take Me Out to the Ball Game.”  My fellow Cubs fans are having a good old time as “we root, root, root for the Cubbies…”  The guests on the Cooper side seem far more subdued as many of them are Braves fans.  Poor Ashley!  Her loyalties are divided here.  For a nice encore, Dr. Eisenberg and I lead the guests in the singing of our “Sweet Home Chicago” in the spirit of Jake and Elwood Blues.

I loosely based the character of Dr. Eisenberg on a well-known gentleman by the name of Wayne Messmer, also known as the "Voice of Victory".  David had worked as one of Dr. Eisenberg's Graduate Assistants at UIC and had developed his announcing style in the process.

The point of it all is...love is a contact sport.