The Horrible Asp, Part 1

After many years of trying in vain to explain, and to apologize, to everyone around me for what they perceive to be insensitive, inconsiderate, and/or downright offensive behavior in many of my attempts at social interaction, I went home to my only constant companion, my laptop computer, in search of an explanation. After taking a couple of online self-diagnostic tests, I went to the University of Illinois Psychological Services Center for a formal evaluation to confirm that I am afflicted with "The Horrible Asp," also known as Asperger Syndrome, which is a high-functioning form of autism.

Growing up in a special education environment at a time when my inclusion in a regular school setting was considered potentially dangerous to myself, other students, and teachers, one can only imagine the rejection, loneliness, and isolation that become a daily reality for me. Such social isolation only made a bad situation worse, as I rarely had an opportuity to develop the social skills needed to grow and evolve as a complete person. Most attempts to socialize with my peers were met with rejection and derision, so I preferred to keep completely to myself. Whenever my parents or sisters had company at the house, I would usually disappear into my room and lock the door. To socialize with others would be seen as torture. As you can imagine, I had very few friends despite my best efforts and intentions. My first inclusion in a regular school environment was as a freshman in high school and it was not at all a pretty sight. In spite of my academic success throughout high school, my extreme shyness and inability to relate to my classmates, especially to the ladies, in any meaningful way made life in high school almost unbearable for me.

Even in adulthood, I still have a great deal of difficulty making friends and establishing social, especially dating, relationships of any kind. I am very uncomfortable in most social situations, including the workplace. Although I earned a Master of Business Administration degree in 2007, I have had difficulty establishing the social conections needed to land any kind of relevant employment. As a result, I am very unhappy in my current pizza delivery job because I know deep down that I am worth much more than the way I am living. Those of us who have been "bitten by the Horrible Asp," as I sometimes refer to those with Asperger Syndrome, have many behavioral, sensory, and self-esteem challenges that we must face on a daily basis. Potential employers would be wise to understand these challenges and to use my creative talents and energies rather than put me in a box of rules and standards that make no sense to me. While I will not blindly follow the rules for the sake of conformity, I am willing to accept and abide by those rules that are fair and equitable to all concerned. I have absolutely no tolerance for any form of hypocrisy. If an action is not right for one person to take then it is not right for anyone.

There are many people who mistakenly believe that I have no empathy or consideration for others. Contrary to popular belief, I care very deeply about the thoughts and feelings of others...often to a fault. However, my greatest challenge is in appropriately expressing that empathy such that others can easily understand. I would strongly prefer to show my real feelings in a way that is uniquely my own.

It is important to note that I included the diagnosis of "The Horrible Asp" into my narrator's character to raise awareness for Asperger Syndrome and other Autism Spectrum Disorders and to share with my readers the many challenges we face on a daily basis.